Growing up, we are shaped by the words and actions of our parents.
While parents aim to provide love, guidance, and support, sometimes they exhibit emotionally immature behaviors that can leave lasting effects on their children.
These behaviors often manifest in hurtful or manipulative comments that can cause confusion, guilt, and low self-esteem.
You might have even wondered whether your parents is just emotionally immature or narcissists.
In this blog, we’ll explore some of the common things emotionally immature parents say and why these statements can be harmful.
Understanding these behaviors is the first step toward healing and building healthier relationships with both our parents and ourselves.
“You’re too sensitive; it’s not that big of a deal.”
This is something you might hear pretty often, in many kinds of ways. Some might be more like this:
“You’re overreacting!”
“It is impossible to say something to you. “
“If you are this sensitive, I won’t tell you anything anymore. “
“Maybe it is better that from now on we don’t talk. “
This is a common experience for people whose parents are emotionally immature.
When their child expresses feelings, the emotionally immature parent might see it as an inconvenience or an overreaction rather than a valid emotional response.
Why?
Because emotionally immature parents often struggle to handle their own emotions.
This reaction often stems from their inability to process their own emotions healthily, leading them to dismiss the emotions of others.
How to deal with that?
First thing is – Don’t trust them.
Sounds harsh but it is true. It is important to remember that your emotions are valid. You have the right to feel any kind of way. (That however doesn’t give you the right to do everything just because you have “the emotion”.)
It is important to know that what you feel sometimes is not true. For example, you can feel ugly. But it is not always the truth.
Even when what you feel is not true, it is sign of a healthy relationship to get reassurance or explanation from people who love you. Especially if they are the reason you feel this way.
If possible, try to calmly communicate your feelings to your parent, explaining why their statement hurts. If it helps, give the hypothetical example for them. For example: “How would you feel if I told you that your career suck? See, when you tell me the same, I don’t feel good.”
Here you can also use statements like “I know you understand”. This applies that you have a high opinion about them, and they would naturally want to “prove” that you are right.
“Why can’t you ever do anything right?”
Emotionally immature parents often say things like:
“How many times do I have to tell you to do this?”
“You’re just like your father!” (in negative way)
“Why do you always make things so complicated?”
“After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
This kind of statements often comes from frustration or unmet expectations.
Emotionally immature parents may project their own insecurities or dissatisfaction onto their children, expecting perfection to validate their parenting.
They may also lack the patience to guide their child constructively, resorting instead to criticism that can be deeply damaging.
How to handle this?
First, don’t believe it.
The criticism is not about you, but about their unmet ambition, dream or their frustration.
It is not about your abilities or skills or personality.
Remind yourself of your accomplishments and strengths to counteract the negativity. Remember all the good and successful things that you have done – and probably you have done more than your parents.
When appropriate, address the comment by saying something like, “I’m trying my best, and I’d appreciate your support rather than criticism.”
Also try to mention all the things that you have achieved.
“What are you even doing with your life?”
Comparison statements are a hallmark of emotionally immature communication.
There are many kinds of statements that compare you with others.
“I’ll believe in you when you start making better choices.”
“You’ll get my support when you start acting your age.”
“Your sister managed to do it—why can’t you?”
“I’ll respect you when you start making real money.”
These remarks often pit a child against siblings, peers, or societal expectations, sending the message that their worth is tied to outperforming others. This creates unnecessary competition, fosters resentment, and undermines the child’s sense of self-worth.
Why emotionally immature parents do it?
Emotionally immature parents often tie their pride and affection to achievements because they view their child’s success as a reflection of their own worth.
Acknowledge that your worth is not tied to achievements or comparisons.
Focus on your unique strengths and interests rather than competing with others.
Gently remind your parent that you’re doing your best and that everyone has different talents.
Also, try to surround yourself with people who celebrate your individuality and encourage your growth.
“I know what’s best for you.”
Other ways of saying this are:
“I’m paying for this, so you’ll do things my way.”
“You’ll never be successful if you don’t follow my advice.”
“You’re too young to understand, so I’ll make the decision for you.”
This type of emotionally immature statement is a classic example of control and dismissal of the child’s autonomy.
It reflects a pattern where a parent assumes they know what’s best for the child without considering the child’s own thoughts, desires, or needs.
These types of statements often stem from the parent’s own insecurities, desire to fulfill unfulfilled dreams, or belief that they must dictate the child’s future for it to be “right.”
Sometimes, parents may genuinely believe they are protecting you from making mistakes, but this approach disregards your autonomy and ability to make decisions for yourself.
The best way to fight this is to have financial independence.
Parents who exert control over your life often do so through their financial support.
If you rely on them for money, they may use that leverage to dictate your decisions.
Financial independence wont change their level of emotional maturity, but it will change power dynamics.
Achieving financial independence fosters a sense of accomplishment and self-reliance.
When you can take care of yourself and live without depending on others for your needs, you gain a deeper sense of confidence and self-worth.
This shift helps you trust in your own judgment and decisions.
Financial independence makes it easier to set boundaries with emotionally immature parents.
You no longer feel obligated to please them or sacrifice your own desires just to maintain access to financial resources. This sense of autonomy lets you engage in more healthy, balanced relationships.
“I Raised You, Now It’s Your Turn to Serve Me”
Other forms of this sentence might be something like:
“I’m too tired to deal with this right now.”
“I’ve done enough for you already, why can’t you figure this out on your own?”
“Stop bothering me with this, I’ve got my own problems.”
“Why do you need my help? Can’t you see I have more important things to deal with?
Emotionally immature parents often prioritize their own needs and struggles over their child’s.
This mindset comes from parents who believe their job is done just by raising their children.
The expectation that a child will “serve” their parents after growing up ignores the fact that the child is also a separate individual with their own life, struggles, and emotional needs.
Parenting is an act of love and responsibility, not a contract for future repayment.
This mentality creates an unhealthy sense of obligation in the child.
The child may feel like they are indebted to their parents for their entire lives, as if their own needs and struggles don’t matter.
This burden can lead to resentment, feelings of guilt, and emotional exhaustion.
It also disregards the child’s right to establish their own boundaries and live their own life free from the weight of unpaid emotional debts.
How to deal with it?
Approach your parent calmly and explain that while you appreciate their support when you were growing up, you also have your own life and struggles now.
For example, “I understand that you’re used to me being there for you, but I also need to focus on my own responsibilities.”
Remind them that relationships are two-sided. Let them know that it’s important for you to be supported emotionally as well, and that you’re not just a caregiver.
You can say something like “I need your support too, and I can’t always be there when you expect me to.”
“You’ll never amount to anything if you keep acting like this.”
“You’ll never get married if you don’t change your attitude.”
“Your children will grow up to be just as messed up as you if you don’t fix your ways.”
“If you keep making mistakes like this, you’ll never get ahead in life.”
“You’ll never have a family of your own if you keep behaving like this.”
“Your children will be dirty and hungry.”
This statements are often rooted in the parent’s fear of failure or their desire to push you to succeed.
Unfortunately, their method is counterproductive, relying on shame and negativity rather than encouragement.
This approach often reflects their own unresolved feelings of inadequacy or fear of being judged as a poor parent.
What to do when you hear this?
Remember that this is not true. Remember that they are saying it just because they are annoyed or frustrated. There is a huge change that they also don’t actually believe in that.
Remember that this statement says more about their fears than your potential.
Counteract the negativity by setting your own goals and celebrating small victories along the way.
If safe and appropriate, let your parent know how their words affect you and ask for more constructive support.
For example, “It would help me more if you encouraged me instead of pointing out what I’m doing wrong.”
Final Thoughts
Emotionally immature parents can unknowingly use words that harm their children’s confidence and emotional well-being.
Understanding the reasons behind their behavior can help you navigate these situations with greater clarity and compassion.
Remember, while you can’t change their behavior, you can change how you respond.
Seek support, set boundaries, and focus on building your own emotional resilience to thrive despite the challenges.